“So… when are you going to start having babies?”

I hear from straight friends that right after marriage (or as they start to pass the peak of childbearing years) everyone starts asking them when they will have children. That hasn’t really happened to us, except by those who are very close to us and know about my baby fever 😉

Today I was working at a coffee shop with my friend – a friend who is in the same PhD program as I am, and who is planning to start trying to get pregnant with her second child soon. We have talked about how cool it would be to be pregnant together, and to do babysitting exchanges.

While we were working at the coffee shop, a faculty member from our school came in. His wife is expecting, so he brought up the topic of babies. This person knows both my friend and I to the same degree, knows we are both married, but only asked the one in a heterosexual relationship if she wanted to have another baby. I’m not sure if he was just avoiding making the assumption that all women want to have children (hence only asking the person who already had one child), or if he was making the assumption that because I am gay I won’t be having children. And either way, I don’t blame him for his hesitancy to ask, or for simply not thinking to ask. I just felt unjustly excluded in the moment because baby making is always on my mind and I am always looking for an opportunity to talk about it.

But on the other hand, the more people I tell that we are starting down this road, the more internalized pressure I feel to get this baby brewing. I’ve told them there will be a baby and now I want to actually live up to that. So maybe I should consider myself lucky that there are fewer societal expectations for my wife and I to procreate so one day I can say “surprise, I’m pregnant!” and blow people’s minds.

1 thought on ““So… when are you going to start having babies?”

  1. I had this at work a while back, it was a couple of months before our wedding, and someone from the office had just brought their shiny new baby in to meet everyone, then someone asked “shall we place bets on who might be next!” and they all then proceeded to mention every female (even though most definitely, categorically NOT having babies) but me. I was so furious I had to keep my mouth shut. I’m not good at speaking while furious.

    On the point of telling people you’re trying, we started out thinking we’d keep it to close people only, but then, how do you define ‘close’ – we love all our friends, they’re all a part of our lives! Now everyone knows EXACTLY what stage we’re at and we’ve had to start politely putting the message out that we’d like people to stop asking for updates, because it’s getting stressful to think that on our TWW, the rest of our world will also be holding their breath. That’s a lot of pressure.


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