The dread of this wait

My wife wants me to stop worrying and stop being pessimistic about conceiving, but for some reason it is a lot easier for her than me. It is 5dpo and I am filled with dread about getting my period on Christmas Eve or Christmas. I initially thought it would be cool to have a Christmas test date, because we would either have a very happy Christmas surprise, or I would be able to enjoy the libations to the full extent. Now, I’m just worried. Will this ruin Christmas for me? Can I buck up and not let it ruin Christmas for me, or will the emotions and disappointment be too much to control on this family and child centric holiday?

We are spending Christmas Eve with my sister-in-law who is 6 months pregnant. And here is where I admit that my green-eyed-monster has come out of the depths of my subconscious at only cycle 3 of trying… Pitiful! My sister-in-law tried for almost 2 years to conceive, and required 2 IUIs. This pregnancy did not come easy for her. And yet, I am finding it hard to revel in the excitement of her pregnancy. She asked if I wanted to come over the day before Christmas Eve and have a sleepover. I am ashamed of this, but I don’t want to be reminded of the fact that the first grand-baby will be born into the family in 3 months, and we may still be TTC in 3 months.

Why does TTC do this to us? Why does it strip us of joy and excitement? Even when we get pregnant we are often too afraid of miscarriage to let ourselves get excited. Why does it make us pessimistic and obsessive? There is a reassuring statistic that when intercourse/insemination is well timed with ovulation, the chance of getting pregnant in 3 cycles is as high as 68%! But all I can think about is the 15-20% chance of it working each new time we try. Like my stats prof used to say, dice have no memory. My ovaries have no memory. Statistically, there is no magical cumulative effect that adds 15-20% to your chances each month.

Ugh, I have to get out of this funk. I feel like I have no right to be so pessimistic and jealous because we have been trying for such a short amount of time. I think that the difference between my wife and I when it comes to our patience level is that I have been pushing and planning for this since last Christmas. I wanted to start trying then, whereas my wife has only recently gotten into the whole idea. I’ve only had to deal with the disappointment of failed cycles twice, but I have been riding the emotional rollercoaster for a lot longer. Anyway, I shouldn’t be trying so hard to make excuses for myself. Time to cheer the fuck up.

I want to end this with a hopeful statement, that maybe this will be our month and we will have a very merry Christmas. But I am too afraid.

7 thoughts on “The dread of this wait”

  1. The waiting and trying is hard no matter where you are in the process – 3 months or three years. My wife seemed less invested than I was at the beginning too. As time passed, she became more emotionally invested. I think it’s hard to really grasp when you’re not physically making the effort each month.

    Keep your head up and stay positive. You might get good news on Christmas, and if not, view it as a fresh start to a new cycle with the brand new 20% possibility of success! It’s going to happen, it just takes repetition!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. oh, love … c’mere while I give you a big squeeze.

    I know this so well. I go through stages of feeling so badly towards the whole process and so sorry for myself, and then full on guilt because I’ve only *really* been in this game for 1 cycle (plus a frozen one) while others have been trying for years. But what about the fact that we were supposed to have our first round of IVF in Oct 2014 but experienced delays beyond our control? Our first meeting with the clinic was April 2014. I’ve been reading TTC blogs and religiously living through other peoples TTC journeys for years – in fact some of those I initially started following now have 6 year olds! I am not 1 cycle in to this journey and you are not 3 months in … we have been invested in this for a long long time, we’ve wished and hoped and obsessed and experienced delays so therefore it is HARD when it doesn’t work right away.

    You go ahead and feel what you feel x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Waiting is the worst. It’s totally normal to feel how you’re feeling. Don’t stress about it. This process is fucking hard and it’s ok to be angry about it sometimes. I hope you’re able to enjoy some of your holiday time and just take care of yourself!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Friend, TTC is so damn stressful, and it turns us into these people that we never thought we would be! I mean, jealous of my own sister who announces that she’s pregnant after we just told our mom (in secret though, so my sister had no idea) that our 9th IUI hadn’t worked! I swear, if looks could kill, my sister would have been dead 10 x’s over that night! I totally get where you are right now, and I can assure you, it’s totally normal. Feel what you need to feel, and take whateve time you need to take to process what’s going on. This time could totally be your time! I have my fingers crossed for you guys!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, that makes me feel sooo much better. After processing I already felt better. Having people who are pro’s at these feelings tell me that it’s OK to have these feelings really really helps. Already feeling better. And congrats again to you 😉

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  5. Oh man I feel you. Christmas is also technically my day (on progesterone so I probs won’t get my period so I’m just staying on it through the weekend and finding out later …) TTC is rough and jealousy is the first symptom. It’s normal and your time will come!

    Liked by 1 person

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