It’s been a long time since I’ve written a fuck my life post. Last night my wife and I started talking about changing/creating the sleep training plan. The plan I was implementing was such a slow plan, and we were thinking about trying something more serious, more structured, and faster. Just the mere thought of messing with my slow withdrawal from sleeping next to her had me in tears. And then we were both up with her for a total of 4 hours through the night trying to put her down without me snuggling next to her. She cried and cried and cried (in our arms) and I felt like garbage. This morning we continued the sleep training conversation, and I kept crying about it. It’s an unfortunate characteristic of mine- anytime my wife wants to talk about something serious, I start crying and she feels bad and it silences her.
Anyway, rough night. And my stress levels are already high right now because I am 3 weeks behind in marking of papers and grades are due end of next week. I spent the evening last night marking in the dark in the nursery after getting her to sleep. Every nap time, and every independent play time, I am marking. I haven’t showered in 5 days and the baby needs a bath as bad as I do.
But then my baby smiles at me. Even after a rough night, she wakes up happy, giggling, not a care in the world. Her eczema patches are blistered and raw and she must be uncomfortable, but she smiles. I cry all over her as I get us ready for the day, but she smiles. She is my light. All the stresses in the world are worth it to keep this baby smiling.