Separation Anxiety… In mama, not baby 

I had a hair appointment yesterday. My wife stayed home with the baby so I could go and get an awesome new look and feel like a new me. It was supposed to be fun, relaxing, a happy escape for a couple of hours. But I was struck with separation anxiety about halfway through the dye job. 

I haven’t been very successful at pumping lately. The only way to get more than a few drops (literally) is to pump first thing in the morning WHILE she nurses on the other side. I can usually get enough that way for a snack sized bottle that will hold her over. She’s used to nursing on demand every 2 hours or so throughout the day, so when I’m gone for more than 2 hours I at least want to have a snack sized bottle for her. But I didn’t get a chance to pump. I nursed her to sleep for her morning nap and then I left. 

About an hour and a half into my appointment my stylist had only just finished putting foils in my hair. I have a lot of hair. And then 3.5 hours into my appointment, when I was getting a blow dry, she decided the colour hadn’t come out quite right and we had to use more toner. So back to the sink we went. And I hadn’t even gotten my cut yet. I was sitting in the chair fidgeting like crazy, looking at my phone every minute, wondering if my wife would even bother telling me if the baby NEEDED me and I needed to cut it short and come home. I would have run out of that place with foils in my hair if I’d gotten a message saying she was hungry. 

But luckily, she wasn’t. She ate a yummy lunch of steamed carrots and zucchini and leftover ham, and she washed it down with some water out of her sippy cup. She went to the mall and my wife bought her some new summer outfits. When I finally got home (5 hours later…) she was passed out on my wife’s chest on the couch. 

I didn’t need to worry. But I spent my time out of the house with elevated blood pressure, stress sweats, and an inability to stop worrying that my baby was starving without being able to breastfeed for 5 hours. 

I think I’ll get better at being away from her as she starts to wean, and I know she really is getting the majority of her nutrition from food, and satisfies her thirst with efficient water drinking. It’s just a terrible feeling (and a recurring nightmare of mine) that she is hungry for milk and can’t access it for some reason. Mama bear instincts, or separation anxiety? 

Anyway, here are some pics of the hair colour that caused all this emotion. When I got home we cuddled and played outside in the yard and it was magical. 

17 thoughts on “Separation Anxiety… In mama, not baby ”

  1. Wow you look amazing!! And I so get what you’re going through. I realised a little while ago that it wasn’t always that Z couldn’t sleep alone or be put down. I didn’t want to let go of him lol. I used to freak out going out too. Thinking he was starving without me. But id often come come to him passed out with my mum. My supply has gone right down now. I’m only getting about 2 oz. But after dinner that’s all he wants lol. Things will settle over time.

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    1. Thanks 😊 Yeah last night my wife asked if I had a hard time getting her to sleep in the evening (I nurse her to sleep in her room while my wife does cleaning up downstairs) and I said no, I just didn’t want to put her in the crib and end the cuddle.

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  2. Your hair looks fabulous! I understand the anxiety of being away, for me, it got a little easier each time. I was able to trust that he’d be ok without me and the boobs, and the confidence grew. I hope it does for you, too!

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    1. Thanks 😊 I think I do feel it getting easier every time. I can now do 2.5 hour board meetings every month without feeling anxious, and at first I could barely function during those meetings because my brain was hijacked

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  3. You’re beautiful! I was the same way last month for the dentist. First I went for my cleaning, and of course C didn’t fall asleep for her morning nap before I left so she basically screamed almost the whole time I was gone. I spent most of my appt texting hubby, and we were both stressing. I had to go back 2 weeks later to have some old fillings redone. I was a mess the whole time, stressing if the baby was okay, if B was dealing with her okay, if she was crying missing me, if she was drinking a bottle if she was hungry or being stubborn and waiting for me…it sucked. I was gone a total of about 2 hours, and she was fine that time…I was not. I wish there was a way to be away from them and not stress out!!!

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    1. I feel ya… Sounds like such a stressful time! But maybe every time they do fine without us can be banked in our memories and one day we’ll expect them to be fine, instead of expecting them to be not fine…

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      1. This is true. I’ve run to the store for 30-60 minutes twice before and left her at home (asleep) and she’s been fine. And she did ok when I was in the hospital for 5 days…though she really had no choice lol! I think we just tend to focus on them being so dependent on us, and then we remember those times that they needed us and we weren’t there! I think it’s part of mom brain wiring 🙂

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  4. Your hair looks amazing! I wish I could do that but I’d have to go back multiple times because it’s dark. I understand the anxiety, especially because this is a transition point. My son is just starting solids and I am still pumping. It’s disheartening that the supply is going low, but I have to remember he’s going to be getting nutrition from other sources too.

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  5. Wow, you look so gorgeous, Amy!!! Love the new hair. I think it’s normal to feel like that if you’re not used to be away from her and if she still nurses. You’ll get over that anxiety 🙂 xx

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