One of us wants another baby…

And it’s not me.

As I wrote in my last post, Avery was sick over the weekend (still is) and my wife was out of town. I was exhausted. When my wife got home she hesitated to tell me because she knew the day I’d had, but eventually came out with it: she wants another kid.

Her primary reason is because she wants Avery to have a sibling. As an only child myself, I think that’s a relatively unimportant reason for having more kids. I loved being an only child (still do), and I love watching Avery develop her independent play skills. My wife sees her playing by herself in the corner and feels bad for her; I see that and feel proud.

The thing is, my wife wasn’t 100% on board with having a first kid, and I got my way (and my wife quickly got 110% on board once we had decided to go ahead with it). Now, I’ve agreed to concede to my wife’s wishes on whether or not we have a second child. I know I’d also get 110% on board once we got going with the process. So… I guess that means we’ll have another one?

But here’s what’s stopping us.

We’d want to have our second child through reciprocal IVF. Genetics has ended up being more — not important… what’s the word… relevant? — than we expected. Although my wife loves our daughter to the moon and back, there’s still a drive within her to see what her own biological offspring would be like. And she has less than zero interest in being pregnant or giving birth, and pregnancy and birth are experiences I’d be honoured to have again. The first time around, we were SO, SO, SO lucky to have an absolutely free conception process (except for the cost of some pre-seed and syringes). Reciprocal IVF, on the other hand, ain’t cheap. The sperm would still be free (we’d use the same donor, if he would oblige us again), but that’s a drop in the bucket (and there would be sperm processing fees). We are a single-income family right now, and I’m really taking forever to finish this PhD. I could honestly be another 3 years, and then have to find a job, and then work for a year before being eligible to take maternity leave.

Also, we have a two bedroom house, and the rooms are small. So small that it wouldn’t be comfortable to fit a crib in our bedroom, or two beds in Avery’s room. We would want to be in a financial position to buy our forever home before having a second child. That means me having a career. We don’t even have equity because we rent this house from my mom. I have student loans. Just, ugh. Money sucks.

 

So that’s where we’re at. We’re trying not to look at the biological clock ticking away, but… I’m 31 now, and by the time I could be financially ready for another kid I’ll be at least 35. 35 is definitely not too old to have a baby (especially through IVF), but I’m worried it will be too old for me to take care of a baby. I already have trouble keeping up with this one 13 month old who can’t walk yet. So I suppose we’ll let time progress as it does and see how strong my wife’s procreation-drive becomes. Definitely don’t expect me to start blogging about a reciprocal IVF journey for another few years. But it’s on the table, now, which is kind of a big deal.

 

12 thoughts on “One of us wants another baby…”

  1. So my mom had me at 32, my sister at 36, and my brother at 38 without any medical complication or interventions in terms of conception. I think school is a big energy suck. Once I graduated with my second masters, my energy went way up. I think you’ll find that graduation may really help in that area. 🙂

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  2. Both my kids were born after 35 and they are less than 2 years apart. I am currently running after 2 toddlers with a full time job and its tiring, but its not something that I am doing is out of the ordinary, its not that bad, honestly. Some blogger moms had their babies at 42. Unless you had any complications or had issues getting pregnant, it should not be hard getting pregnant at 35.

    As you say, get your job/money in line and you will feel yourself to be relaxed enough to have baby # 2. And by then, Avery will be almost 5 years old! Easily do able. As kids age and get more independent, our energy levels do come back..

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  3. Keep in mind the age thing for conception will be about your wife, as she’s the egg contribution and that’s when age matters. A uterus doesn’t really age, especially when it comes to IVF. As for kids after 35, we are both over 35 with two (and plans for a third in another year and a half or so) and doing fine, many others do too. so it’s not automatically an issue.

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  4. So I had Cadence when I was 38, and will be at least 40 (hopefully that’s it!) before the next one comes along. My eggs were harvested when I was 37. I definitely feel old some days, especially ones where I’ve been sitting on the floor with C for a long time, as my back feels like it’s going to break when I finally get up. But she IS walking (and running, and climbing…) and I seem to manage just fine. And per my post earlier…we are in the early processes of starting for #2. So, it’s not impossible, just hard work 🙂
    On another note…I love seeing C playing independently as well. It makes me happy that she feels comfortable enough in her own skin to hang out and invent her own little games, or whatever she’s doing lol. On the flip side, I LOVE the relationship my sister and I had growing up. Cadence has gotten to the point where she’s actually playing WITH the other kids when we have play dates, and it’s so sweet to see her watching the others, offering toys, sharing things, and interacting. I would love to be able to give her a sibling to share that with. I guess I’m saying I can see both sides of that argument as well!

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  5. I was 33 with #1 and will be at least 36 with #2. And if my wife does carry (or I carry her egg), I’ll be 37-39. I’m tired, but generally healthy, and I feel like I keep up as well as many younger moms. The harder part for me (I know this is morbid) is knowing that I “missed” having my kids in my life earlier…like I will be older before they have kids and die earlier in their lives. That’s probably still a little bit of PPD/PPA sneaking in…

    Since you’re doing reciprocal IVF, look into whether you can break up the costs over time – for example, do your wife’s portion soon (while her eggs are young) and then freeze them. Later, you can pay for the next pieces (transfer, etc). Unfortunately, the meds and egg retrieval are the more expensive part, but maybe it will help to spread it over time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, good tip! We would also want to get our donor’s sperm sooner rather than later – a point I had not thought of till now – because he’s already almost 40.

      I’m sure I’d survive and keep up, but I already spend a good part of my parenting just laying on the floor. That may be laziness and sleep dep as much as anything though 😁

      And yes, the thought of being around for less of their lives is on my mind, too. But then again, you can’t control when you die. My wife’s mom died at 60, but my grandma is still kicking at 95. One never met her grandkids, the other has great grandkids. I don’t know if knowing that ahead of time would have impacted their decisions on when to have kids…. Heavy, dark stuff…

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Wow! Exciting stuff.

    We were worried about D’s declining fertility, and it was one reason we decided to try again so soon – I think baby #2 was conceived on or around her 33rd birthday. While we were planning all of that, I read a really interesting study that found that though fertility declined at around 35 for women who had never given birth, for those that had had a previous successful pregnancy their fertility at the age of 40 was still generally better than nulliparous women at 35 – so either pregnancy extended their fertility, or there was selection bias (women who had managed to avoid pregnancy until 35 may be less fertile). I thought that was fascinating, and comforting.

    Also – you may already know this, but in our province, known donor sperm needs to be tested and quarantined for 6 months unless you lie and say the person is your romantic partner. Doesn’t sound like a big hurdle if you’re thinking years down the line, though 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s really interesting! And yes, we’d hear about the quarantaine and will factor that into our plans. There was a loop hole if you’d previously conceived with that person before, but I don’t think it counts when it’s my wife’s eggs instead of mine.

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