And it’s not me.
As I wrote in my last post, Avery was sick over the weekend (still is) and my wife was out of town. I was exhausted. When my wife got home she hesitated to tell me because she knew the day I’d had, but eventually came out with it: she wants another kid.
Her primary reason is because she wants Avery to have a sibling. As an only child myself, I think that’s a relatively unimportant reason for having more kids. I loved being an only child (still do), and I love watching Avery develop her independent play skills. My wife sees her playing by herself in the corner and feels bad for her; I see that and feel proud.
The thing is, my wife wasn’t 100% on board with having a first kid, and I got my way (and my wife quickly got 110% on board once we had decided to go ahead with it). Now, I’ve agreed to concede to my wife’s wishes on whether or not we have a second child. I know I’d also get 110% on board once we got going with the process. So… I guess that means we’ll have another one?
But here’s what’s stopping us.
We’d want to have our second child through reciprocal IVF. Genetics has ended up being more — not important… what’s the word… relevant? — than we expected. Although my wife loves our daughter to the moon and back, there’s still a drive within her to see what her own biological offspring would be like. And she has less than zero interest in being pregnant or giving birth, and pregnancy and birth are experiences I’d be honoured to have again. The first time around, we were SO, SO, SO lucky to have an absolutely free conception process (except for the cost of some pre-seed and syringes). Reciprocal IVF, on the other hand, ain’t cheap. The sperm would still be free (we’d use the same donor, if he would oblige us again), but that’s a drop in the bucket (and there would be sperm processing fees). We are a single-income family right now, and I’m really taking forever to finish this PhD. I could honestly be another 3 years, and then have to find a job, and then work for a year before being eligible to take maternity leave.
Also, we have a two bedroom house, and the rooms are small. So small that it wouldn’t be comfortable to fit a crib in our bedroom, or two beds in Avery’s room. We would want to be in a financial position to buy our forever home before having a second child. That means me having a career. We don’t even have equity because we rent this house from my mom. I have student loans. Just, ugh. Money sucks.
So that’s where we’re at. We’re trying not to look at the biological clock ticking away, but… I’m 31 now, and by the time I could be financially ready for another kid I’ll be at least 35. 35 is definitely not too old to have a baby (especially through IVF), but I’m worried it will be too old for me to take care of a baby. I already have trouble keeping up with this one 13 month old who can’t walk yet. So I suppose we’ll let time progress as it does and see how strong my wife’s procreation-drive becomes. Definitely don’t expect me to start blogging about a reciprocal IVF journey for another few years. But it’s on the table, now, which is kind of a big deal.