Bedtime felt a little different. She only nursed for about 2 minutes before falling asleep – she usually empties both sides and waits for them to refill and goes back for seconds on both sides. Despite her falling asleep quickly, I had trouble putting her in the crib. Her arms were tight around my neck, even in sleep. It took an hour for her to let go.
My wife went out for drinks/conversation with a fellow parent friend. Evening shift is on me. I’m tense. I can’t relax. I’ve tried working on my dissertation but I can’t keep my mind off of anticipation of the next wakeup. Avery is coughing a lot tonight.
3:00am. THREE AM! Despite all the coughing and a few short cries through the night, 3am was her first and ONLY wake up that she called us in for. It wasn’t an easy wake up, though. She was surprisingly fine without milk, but she was having trouble falling asleep. I rocked her from 3 till 5am when I could finally transfer her to the crib. She only cried intermittently out of frustration from wanting to sleep but not being able to get there.
7:00am. Avery woke up peacefully in her own room. I ran to her when I heard her stir because my boobs felt like they were going to burst. I said “it’s morning! You made it till morning, and now we can have morning cuddles and milk.” She had some milk back in our bed, but she was too awake for cuddles and barely took the edge off of my engorgement situation. I felt very sad that we didn’t have our usual slow morning wake up attached to each other.
I was feeling too emotional to sleep. I missed her. When she coughed I wanted to give her milk to soothe her throat. I think I finally nodded off at 12:30am.
As I process all of this, I’m suddenly really worried that I’m inadvertently fully weaning her. What if she’s an all or nothing kind of kid? I’m not at all ready to end our breastfeeding relationship completely at this time.
My wife and I are at each others’ throats right now. We feel differently about how this is going and we’re not understanding where the other is coming from. It will get better. Emotions are rampant right now.