“During menses, she is sad that she has failed…”

Let me preface this by saying that we are not currently trying to conceive. However, I want to be. Right now the biggest thing stopping us is my wife’s mental health. We have to get that back on track before making the final decision about whether or not to try for a second child. You wouldn’t believe how much this has taken over my mind… it’s just like the first time. I became obsessed, with this almost animalistic urge to have a baby, and the more we actually prepared and actually tried to conceive, the worse it got. The same thing is happening again, even though we’re not in a place to even decide for sure if we can have another. *(my wife struggles with depression and this year has been a particularly bad one).

My mental state reminds me of a hilariously anti-woman line by Dwight Schrute from The Office:

The menstrual cycle determines every choice a woman makes. You see, during ovulation, a woman’s only goal is to get pregnant, and during menses, she is sad that she has failed.

I get sad when I get my period, but I’ve also been getting sad around ovulation. I think about the little egg that could, and the person that egg could have become.

And of course I would never say any of this around a political conservative / Republican because it would all be ammunition for pro-lifers, but the deal is, it’s my body, my egg, and my prerogative. I can value the potential life in every egg I drop without saying that life begins at conception or that women shouldn’t be free from external constraints to terminate any pregnancy, no matter the reason. Wow, this went in a different direction that I’d intended…

Anyway, back on track. I wish I had a friend I could talk to about this – about how hard it can be to have a partner with depression, and how that fact is one of the major barriers in us expanding our family. All of my friends have become our friends, which is wonderful, but it leaves me with without an impartial outlet. I don’t feel right talking to mutual friends about things my wife wouldn’t discuss with them on her own. I had a friend who wasn’t connected to my wife in any way, but there was weirdness when he told me he was in love with me, and now he has terminal cancer and I’m not going to add my negative emotions to his life right now. So yeah, I’m feeling like this blog is my only outlet. I appreciate you, blogosphere. I’ll keep you posted.

9 thoughts on ““During menses, she is sad that she has failed…”

  1. We are doing 90 days of clean eating and regular exercise and no gluten before we try again (4th time’s the charm..) and my egg count is way low. It sucks for us Because we can’t just try at home and it won’t just “happen”. It’s more scientific than that. But the benefit is you get to be much more prepared financially and mentally though it can still be such an emotional time. I feel the same way every period and every time i ovulate.. but one way or another life has this funny way of working out. Don’t lose hope. Take care of your wife and maybe change things up with diet and exercise and see if that helps at all. I know it’s cliche but it might be worth it to get into a habit that’s healthy.

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  2. SOME depression MAY be linked to diet, exercise and gut flora/fauna. Some isn’t. Looking at diet and trying Stanford University’s low FODMAP diet MIGHT, or not, help but ~ it takes time to make a difference. I assume you are following medical advice. Depression is really really nasty and hard for everyone to deal with. MUCH SUPPORT and SYMPATHY for all of you. Sending best wishes and hopes for joy for your family.
    Being aware of patterns of duration and timing of depression’s attacks can also help. I remember in early early stages of an early menopause when the world would be in sepia and I had to be careful about decisions…..and then it would go back to full color… and I would know I was going to ‘be crazy again in a few weeks’. Really really tough. Check hormones, look at getting to steady state hormonal levels too.
    Huge hugs and support.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you 🤗 Currently we are between mental health care providers, so there’s tension there. My wife also isn’t feeling well enough to be motivated to change diet and exercise (although we do tend to eat a very whole food, balanced diet). It’s tough when I know what she needs to do to at least take a step toward feeling better but she doesn’t currently have the self-worth to make herself to those things. Thanks again for the support ❤️

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      • Depression is nasty terrible. Wounds of low self esteem are deep and scaring. Simply repeating the caring and respect for you both that IS out in the world for who you both are, and the miracles you both bring to our world.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I started my blog because I had things I wanted to talk about but didn’t have an impartial ear to listen. It’s been my therapy in many ways and I am grateful for the support that the blogging community have given me – so I hear you there! I also struggled (well, still struggle) with a partner who has mental health issues, only he hid them from me (and denied it himself). He didn’t want a second child, but I did with all my soul. I was able to ‘convince’ him and in the first year of our daughter’s life he had a near mental breakdown. That first year was wonderful in so many ways because my daughter and my son, who is 2 years older, are the loves of my life and amazing little people, but it was also hands down the hardest year of my life. I was unsupported, he was angry and distant, and we broke. We’ve been trying to fix us but it was too much. He’s been doing a ton of stuff to get better (diet, gym, taking more time to himself, talking about it), and he is getting better, but he still struggles. And I struggle to figure out how to support him while protecting myself and being the mom I want to be. We might have been better off waiting, who knows – but I was obsessed and needed to have another baby. My baby girl is now 2.5 years old I am so grateful that I was able to convince him, and neither of us regret our decision to have two kids, but, not gonna lie, it’s been so hard.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for sharing your story! I can see this pathway playing out for me too, as one potential outcome. However, I don’t think my wife is someone I can convince to do things she doesn’t want….. I will always be concerned though that a second child – even if she wants to have one when she’s feeling better – could tip her over the edge. 😔. I know we’d never regret a child we had though!

      Liked by 1 person

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