Let me preface this by saying that we are not currently trying to conceive. However, I want to be. Right now the biggest thing stopping us is my wife’s mental health. We have to get that back on track before making the final decision about whether or not to try for a second child. You wouldn’t believe how much this has taken over my mind… it’s just like the first time. I became obsessed, with this almost animalistic urge to have a baby, and the more we actually prepared and actually tried to conceive, the worse it got. The same thing is happening again, even though we’re not in a place to even decide for sure if we can have another. *(my wife struggles with depression and this year has been a particularly bad one).
My mental state reminds me of a hilariously anti-woman line by Dwight Schrute from The Office:
The menstrual cycle determines every choice a woman makes. You see, during ovulation, a woman’s only goal is to get pregnant, and during menses, she is sad that she has failed.
I get sad when I get my period, but I’ve also been getting sad around ovulation. I think about the little egg that could, and the person that egg could have become.
And of course I would never say any of this around a political conservative / Republican because it would all be ammunition for pro-lifers, but the deal is, it’s my body, my egg, and my prerogative. I can value the potential life in every egg I drop without saying that life begins at conception or that women shouldn’t be free from external constraints to terminate any pregnancy, no matter the reason. Wow, this went in a different direction that I’d intended…
Anyway, back on track. I wish I had a friend I could talk to about this – about how hard it can be to have a partner with depression, and how that fact is one of the major barriers in us expanding our family. All of my friends have become our friends, which is wonderful, but it leaves me with without an impartial outlet. I don’t feel right talking to mutual friends about things my wife wouldn’t discuss with them on her own. I had a friend who wasn’t connected to my wife in any way, but there was weirdness when he told me he was in love with me, and now he has terminal cancer and I’m not going to add my negative emotions to his life right now. So yeah, I’m feeling like this blog is my only outlet. I appreciate you, blogosphere. I’ll keep you posted.